Changes

I feel like I should blog, about something, about everything; but I also have been enjoying my privacy. I love this concept, love that I dont have to pick up a phone or have to constantly repeat any good news. However, living in a public eye with Cole and expressing every emotion, pain and minutes leading up to his death, I find the privacy factor always wanting to creep back in.

My life is in a better place now. I am happier, healthier and active. My children are thriving and confident. My relationships are growing and not centered around Cole any more. I feel like Im becoming myself again, the person I was before i ever met my ex-husband. Although I can never be the same, life experiences have changed that, I am on the path I need to be on.

I could have taken many roads after Cole died. I could have allowed certain thoughts to creep in, debilitate me in a sense. I could have given up, I could have allowed the depression to take over and win. Instead I forced myself, and I do mean literally forcing myself, to live in the moment. I was pregnant with Emma and had no choice. What I went through is not normal, does not settle well for any parent, and then to have to survive afterwards can be an imbearable thought. I will not say that road was easy; it was not. But here I am. I am fastly approaching six years from Cole's death and I can say I am now in a good spot. I am happy. I miss him, more than I will explain on a blog, but I cannot change what happened. All I can change is the future.

With that said, I reached the pivital point of ultimate healing. When Cole was dying, I wispered in his ear constantly. Every single thing I could think of, some important and some silly thoughts. But I wanted him to hear everything I had to say to him. One of them was how I will change my path. After a lot of hard work and of course studying, I had decided it was time to apply for Nursing school. In case you havent heard, the nursing program is impacted! Chances of getting in is very difficult and highly competitive. On Cole's birthday, Simon and I decided now was the time. I had my interview at Dominican University which was encouraging and exciting. I knew it would take some time to get into the program but I had to try. On November 1st I submitted my application, transcripts, essay and letters of recommendation. And then I just had to wait.... and wait. Im terrible at waiting! Finally, January 13th I received a call from the admission department congratulating me. I was in! Not only into the school, but my spot for the Nursing program was securred. I couldnt believe it. I found out later that the odds of being accepted on the first try was close to about 10%. I am so happy.

The nursing program will take 2.5 years full time. I am scheduled for entry the Fall 2011 class and will, at that point, go to school full time. No more work... although I believe going to school and working in the hospital for free a lot more work than I currently do now.

The path I am on now has been humbling. Cole continues his work as I continue my work here. We are not together in the flesh, but in spirit - always. Emma and Andrew watch from the side, observe these wonderful blessings and they too speak of Cole. Emma states Cole kisses her while she sleeps, Andrew believes that Cole's blankets help him have good dreams. I believe all of that is true. Cole's fleshly body helps science, his name and story helps raise money for The Leukemia Society, my voice helps keep his story alive and many others who are inspired by his will to survive make a difference. I am lucky.

I may not post much more after this. My story has changed and I am happy. I have moved on from what has happened and will do my best to help other parents as they worry over their children in a hospital bed. I will hopefully be that Nurse - the ones that I loved so much when they took care of Cole. I hope to give parents a small amount of relief from the constant fear that they will experience. I know to much, and I know to well what that world can do. I hope I can be a source of comfort as I had received the same.

Take care,
b