Chicken

Picture is of us last year. Yup.. Im wearing the same costume again tonight. :)

Drew is a Chicken this year for Halloween. I love saying he is a Chicken and for some reason he finds me funny. This wonderful costume is on year 3 of surviving my kids. GOOOO chicken!

Ms. Baby Bird, you heard me right, Emma has changed her name to Baby Bird. She will not respond to Emma. So... Baby Bird is going to be Snow White. Thankfully this costume was at a garage sale for a 25cents. Wahoo.. And she loves it..

Baby Bird and Chicken are working their mom and loving it! Meanwhile I have been sick with some type of cold/flu and feeling quite ill all day. Kids think it's funny to dog pile on me, hide in the house so that I cannot find them and then they rush up to me, pretend to throw up on me, and then laugh. Yes.. they are working me.

Happy Halloween...

b

Happy Birthday Loen and Derby

I wanted to start this blog off by wishing a very happy first birthday to Loen and Derby. My cousin went into preterm labor and the babies were born at 24 weeks old. Happily they are celebrating their first birthday (last week). The part that makes me sad is that both of my children were ill this weekend which held us back at attending their very special birthday party. I feel terrible for missing it. However both E and A had fevers on and off, terrible runny nose and by the weekend I was feeling sick. Nonetheless I suppose I am incredibly conscience of children who may have a compromised immune system and then subject them to my sick kids. So we had to make the choice of staying home.

So we just completed our first week in Marin. Love it! Love being back with my old friends, kids are back at their old daycare and we live literally down town which makes access to everything a breeze. Also love the house. A very old Victorian, somewhat restored, which gives a great feeling.

I do however still feel the financial burden from my ex. He has chosen not to pay any child support. How the hell does he get away with that and think its ok? I obviously do not like Keith and feel ill at the thought that I stayed with him for as long as I did. Child support will take 6 months. Meanwhile Keith is out there having a good time with zero financial responsibility, with barely any job. Guess he is always the same... 37 year old unemployed person. I want to say names.. but I wont.

On to happier things. We celebrated Cole's 6th birthday with a cupcake from Peet's coffee. Its the rich devils food cake with the amazing frosting. I had to really hold myself back from not eating it before I got home. So I gave Emma the camera while I lit the candles. Soon Andrew, Emma and myself huddled around the cake and candles and sang happy birthday to Cole. Both kids did a great job and they were happy to celebrate.

Hope everyone has a great week.

b

Today is Cole's birthday. He would have been 6. I cant imagine Cole being this age. Visually he was always a baby. Physically he was treated as a baby. Since his whole life was spent in a crib or in the arms of one of us, he never developed the muscles that it took to sit on his own, let alone crawl or walk. No matter how much therapy he had, the chemo did its toll on him and he was to forever be our baby. I held him for hours a day, trying to keep him comfortable, trying to relieve the pain he was experiencing. That is and was more important to me than if he could sit on his own before he died. I never asked for more than one more day to live. At some point that was to end.

Sometimes I receive comments that are meant to be encouraging or messages of hope. Unfortunately, those comments at times are taken in the wrong way. I often get the comment "well at least you had more children" or "at least he didnt suffer like jesus". Those are direct quotes and I could give you more. I suppose what people do not understand is I lost out on my future. Cole was to grow up, go to school, be in a play, date, graduate, get married, children (grandchilden), etc. That is all gone now. I have no memories but the two years of a deathly illness. And of course Cole lost his own life which is a compelete tragedy for him.

I got a cupcake today and the kids and I will sing Happy Birthday to him tonight.

Think of Cole tonight and all the other kids who are suffering from Cancer....

b

Moving

Last friday was the close of my escrow. I have a mixture of emotions but I imagine this only normal. I am very happy that it did sale, that I am able to walk away and not look back. However, I spent a lot of money into this house, Andrew was brought home after birth and it was my first official home purchase. But in the end.. I needed to sale it.

So we are all moving back to Marin county. We rented an old victorian home full of much charm and thankfully an additional bedroom! So more room will hopefully equal more fun to be had. Kids seem pretty excited.

Emma is really growing up now. I realize I still talk to her in broken sentences, trying to only use simple words to explain things. She is now beyond that. Her questions are deeper now, her thought pattern and curiosity have changed. She is my little girlfriend who has a lot of opinions and is not afraid to express them. Of course she now decides what clothing to wear, what color is best for every occasion. She also tries to mother Andrew so that "I can have a break". Yes, she mothers me as well and tells me to have a break. Such a sweet little girl.

Andy just had his 2nd birthday. Emma and I sang Happy Birthday to him, meanwhile he was laughing the entire time. Then when we were done he chanted "Again.. again". So Emma and I amused him as we sang it over and over. He kept laughing... perhaps at our voices? Drew is still wearing the color pink, loves jewelry and makeup. However he loves motorcycles, frogs and cars. So I feel its ok to wear pink if you digging in the dirt and trying to eat bugs?

The full burden of financial affairs is strictly on me. The ex still doesnt pay for anything and I find myself dizzy with bills. To give you an idea.. children's daycare costs $2,000 a month. Lets not count all the other things I pay for (supplemental insurance, etc..) So being this single parent is extremely difficult. I dont understand how a parent can walk away and not assume any financial responsibility? Of course this is only a broken record... child support agent clearly stated to me I am not alone. I realize that... but I dont have to accept it.

Sam and I are doing really well. Dating now for 1.5 years. Definitely not in a rush for anything.. just enjoying my healthy relationship. Kids love him as well...so it makes for a wonderful home environment.

Take care,

Brandy

Happy Birthday Andrew!

My sweet little boy is turning 2 tomorrow (Thursday). How i love this little boy. He fills the room with his beautiful smile, his charming looks and his sweet little soul. He is a pure joy to have around as Emma and I love him to pieces.

Happy Birthday little love!