Today is Cole's birthday. He would have been 6. I cant imagine Cole being this age. Visually he was always a baby. Physically he was treated as a baby. Since his whole life was spent in a crib or in the arms of one of us, he never developed the muscles that it took to sit on his own, let alone crawl or walk. No matter how much therapy he had, the chemo did its toll on him and he was to forever be our baby. I held him for hours a day, trying to keep him comfortable, trying to relieve the pain he was experiencing. That is and was more important to me than if he could sit on his own before he died. I never asked for more than one more day to live. At some point that was to end.
Sometimes I receive comments that are meant to be encouraging or messages of hope. Unfortunately, those comments at times are taken in the wrong way. I often get the comment "well at least you had more children" or "at least he didnt suffer like jesus". Those are direct quotes and I could give you more. I suppose what people do not understand is I lost out on my future. Cole was to grow up, go to school, be in a play, date, graduate, get married, children (grandchilden), etc. That is all gone now. I have no memories but the two years of a deathly illness. And of course Cole lost his own life which is a compelete tragedy for him.
I got a cupcake today and the kids and I will sing Happy Birthday to him tonight.
Think of Cole tonight and all the other kids who are suffering from Cancer....
b
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
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4 comments:
6 Years ago to the day was the happiest day of my life because I became an Auntie dont get me wrong everytime a niece or nephew is born I'm THRILLED but Cole was MY FIRST. One of my favorite memories of him was when Jeremy and I came done to Oakland and you and Cole came with us to see Souther's booth at the SF Comic Expo, Everytime Cole saw a man though he would scream at the top of his lungs and when Iain our cousin popped his head in front of Cole's stroller And said "Hi Cole!" Cole got this look of fear on his face, his eye's widen and he let out this horrific scream thats when we had to exit the building . It was pretty cute. Afterwards we went to pizza at North Beach where Cole sat next to me holding my hand licking pieces from my pizza and for the first time ever he said Sarah out of the blue. I will never forget that day!! For A little boy who was only here for a short time he sure left a GIGANTIC imprint on us all.
Cole was a lucky little boy to have a mom like you, and we were all lucky have him in our lives, even though it was only for such a short time. Happy Birthday Cole!
Thinking of you today. Sending you lots of hugs.
Mandy
Thinking of you and remembering Cole.
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